E4 Show Notes

WD: I was in my mom’s house in my childhood bedroom. 

[MUSIC: Yotam Agam – Magnetic Field 396 Hz]

 

There was a pool there. The lights were dim. I had plants. I had spiritual scriptures playing because I’m Muslim.

[SFX: Quran verse from the Surah Maryam – “Fa ajaaa ‘ahal makhaadu ilaa jiz’in nakhlati qaalat…” fade under]

 

WD: My husband was there massaging me. My sister was feeding me persimmons and grapes. My mom was there hugging me. It was a very loving environment. It wasn’t rushed.

[SFX: Prayer fades all the way out]

 

What a dream. Persimmons, grapes, being prayed over… This feels magical. 

 

WD: They didn’t make it seem like an urgent matter like, “Oh my God, your water broke.” There wasn’t flashing lights in my face, like. None of that.

 

This is WD. She was in her mid20s when she birthed her first child at home in Missouri. 

 

WD:  It’s just…I couldn’t ask for more.   

 

In addition to WD’s family, there was another person in the room during her homebirth. Yeah, you guessed it…a Black community midwife. 

[MUSIC: Yotam Agam – Magnetic Field 396 Hz fades out]

[MUSIC: Show ID]

 

I’m Kaytura Felix. You’re listening to Deep Care. 

A podcast about the Black community midwives transforming Black families and futures.

[MUSIC: Show ID out]

 

This episode is about birth. 

Well…it’s about pregnancy outcomes.  And how midwives support families throughout. Because a live birth is just one way a pregnancy can end. But there are others. 

So before we go deeper into WD’s story, I want to tell you about another kind of pregnancy outcome. One that’s quite common, and too often invisible: pregnancy loss. 

For that, we’re going to lean on our auntie, our guide, our friend: Midwife Kim Homer. 

 

Kim Homer: My best was probably the Murray Family. Brittney, she was my VBAC mama. 

 

You probably remember Kim and her client Brittney Murray back in north Florida. 

 

Kim Homer: Her journey was beautiful because it didn’t start with that particular pregnancy. 

 

The story of that homebirth actually wasn’t the beginning of their relationship.

[MUSIC: Land of Dreams: Vince Gabriel]

 

Brittney had had two traumatic C-sections in the hospital. And so when she got pregnant again, she reached out to Kim for a VBAC, a vaginal birth after c-section. 

 

Kim Homer: She contacted me when she conceived initially. And we were getting ready to start care, and she started to have a miscarriage.

 

Brittney Murray: It was one day I started bleeding. I’d had a really stressful day. My boss had yelled at me. I started bleeding. And so we thought we had lost the baby.

 

Brittney rushed to the hospital. And after being checked out, she was left with good and bad news.

 

Brittney Murray: So I had lost the pregnancy, gotten pregnant again, and here we are. 

 

KF: Brittney discovered the loss and the new pregnancy at the same time.  Weeks went by. And Brittney ended up miscarrying again.

 

Brittney Murray: I went to the hospital because I started bleeding again. And they checked, and there was no heartbeat. 

 

Brittney had lost the pregnancy. Since she was still carrying the issue, she waited for it to pass at home.

The next day, while she was cleaning her house, she went into labor. She immediately dialed Kim.

[MUSIC: Land of Dreams – Vince Gabriel ends]

 

Brittney Murray:  And she came all the way from Jacksonville and came right to me. 

 

Kim Homer: So I went and I supported her. And her and her husband, they were so engaged with one another, getting each other through that process. And you could feel the love there through the tears and everything that occurred during this miscarriage.

 

Brittney Murray: First of all, when she came in, she was amazing. She made me some tea because I had been in labor at that point for maybe five hours. // She even took care of my husband. She made sure that he had tea, that he was good. She’s holistic. She takes care of everybody in the room. It’s not just only about the mother or anything. She made sure we’re all good. She said that she’d talk with us for a while. She assessed me, made sure I was good. And I think right after she left is where I went and I realized that I had passed everything.

 

In the US, about 1 million pregnancies end in loss each year. And Black women are 43 percent more likely to lose a pregnancy than White women.  

With miscarriage, there can be physical pain. And emotional pain- grief, anger, anxiety and depression often accompanies the loss. 

Fortunately, Brittany and her husband had Kim to help them navigate it all.

[MUSIC: Sounds and Dreams – Andy Quin]

 

Brittney Murray: Before she left, she gave me this little satchel, and the satchel had flowers and herbs and everything. And she said, “you can bury your baby with this.” // Nobody had ever told us anything like that before. Nobody even gave it that type of sacredness. I wrote a letter to the baby. My husband got a chance to write a letter to the baby. We did our ceremony. We had the herbs and everything, and we buried our baby. So that was beautiful. Even though that ended in loss, it was so empowering to me because first of all, I did it by myself. I didn’t have to go and deal with people being impersonal and cold or awkward because they don’t know how to deal with somebody that’s dealing with loss. She knew how to deal with people dealing with loss and how to help them heal in that moment.

 

Black community midwives do so much. They’re not just showing up to deliver the baby.

They support families throughout all stages of pregnancy. Kim gave Brittney an incredible opportunity to honor her baby’s life.

And on the other side of that grief, Brittney told Kim she realized something about herself that made her future a little brighter.  

 

Something she had longed for with her other births. 

 

Kim Homer: She actually did birth her baby vaginally through this miscarriage, and no one can tell her that she can’t birth a baby vaginally. 

 

Brittney held hope that she could have a VBAC, if she ever got pregnant again.

 

Brittney Murray:  We weren’t really trying. We weren’t really not trying, but it wasn’t happening. We kept that happiness. So we were like, “Maybe we’re done. Maybe it’s not going to happen.” And then it did happen. I think as soon as we hit 12 weeks, then I messaged her and asked when she was available, and she was so excited, just so excited for me.

[MUSIC: Sounds and Dreams – Andy Quin ends]

 

KF: And, you know how the rest of that story goes for Brittney and Kim.  Brittney had her baby at home.

I heard from so many Black parents with beautiful birth stories while doing this research. 

[MUSIC: Risian – Cirrus] 

 

Like SL, in Florida.

 

SL: My husband was like, “Well, the water’s not ready.” And I said, “Well it’s ready enough for me.” / I jumped in the water. I jumped on one knee, and I was pushing. And Kim came right in the door just in time. She threw everything down. She put on her gloves. I pushed, and baby boy was out. I was on one knee like Kaepernick. (laughter)

 

And like AJ, in Hawaii. who had her baby in the hospital, with her community midwife there to advocate for her. 

 

AJ: She actually videoed the birth, and you could see her coaching me through even when I felt like a lot of the staff were trying to rush me to get the baby out. / They’re telling me to push. Hurry up. Get it over with. And she’s like, “No. Don’t push. Wait. Your body is going to naturally contract, and you are going to know when to push.” And it took a little while. I just sat there, just kind of breathing with the baby’s head right there. And she’s just like, “It’s okay. Remain calm.” I felt it, did the final push, and baby came out. And accomplished all of my goals. You know, my natural birth goals. Which I know would not have happened if she wasn’t there. 

[MUSIC: Risian – Cirrus fades under]

 

Many of the parents we spoke to who’d given birth in hospitals without midwives present had something in common. 

[SFX: Chimes from Duff Musiq – Chime Dreams]

 

They’d experienced a particular kind of stress. Stress related to birthing while Black. 

They’d heard about the maternal mortality statistics. Or faced the neglect and mistreatment that so many Black people do in the healthcare system. So they expected for their births to become medical emergencies. For their bodies to fail them. 

[SFX: Chimes out]

 

Midwife Kim Onile reframes this idea.   

[MUSIC: Paul Lawler – Stylishness]

 

Kim Onile: I push back against the idea that Black bodies are inherently high-risk. That’s not true at all. That’s not true. It’s the social external pressures around us that are misaligned.

 

Kim Onile is the third midwife in our series. Yes – ANOTHER midwife named Kimberly. And she is impressive. All the midwives I met were incredible. Still, Kim stands out. She trained as a lawyer but really, she reminds me of a scientist, a data nerd. She makes her points and she has the numbers to back them up.

 

KIM COLLAGE: There’s been an uptick in like employment discrimination against pregnant women…I did a deep dive into fetal growth, into fetal measurement, into ultrasounds…when I’ve looked at the regulations from state to state they generally list the same exclusions…But I read the reports…I was reading medical journals….I looked at world health organization statistics and growth charts and….So that’s why I keep the data. I’m not trying to prove a point. I just want to see if what i’m doing is resulting in positive outcomes.

[MUSIC: Paul Lawler – Stylishness ends]

 

While Kim was in law school, she had her third pregnancy. It was the first time she was cared for by community doulas. That changed everything. That’s where she saw the power of women caring for other women. After graduating, Kim switched things up! She left law to become a midwife. 

 

Kim Onile: So the law is a system, an institution that takes a long time to make change. And midwifery is an experience that can actually impact multiple generations within the span of one pregnancy.  

 

Kim Onile: So it’s a lot of impact in a short period of time. And that’s just more in line with the way I move through life.  (laughs)

 

I first met Kim in a strip mall on the outskirts of Kansas City. She invited me inside a coworking space that looked like an essential oil store. We shared a leather couch so we could talk. 

 

While Kim is serious, it’s the kind of serious that puts you at ease. I was so comfortable that I forgot to take out my recorder. Then I forgot to turn it on. 

 

KF: Ugh, this is the first time this has happened. Ok….

Kim Onile: So, Kansas is unregulated…(duck under)

 

Once it was up and running, Kim and I dove into discussing her practice. 

 

The majority of Kim’s clients are Black. Over the years, she has tailored her midwifery care to their experiences. Particularly their experience of stress. 

[MUSIC: Nigel Mullaney and Jonathan Jowett – Thought and Reason]

 

There are many reasons pregnancy can be stressful. On its own, it’s taxing on the body and mind.

 

Kim Onile: Pregnant women are like running a marathon sitting still. Like their bodies are metabolizing and burning energy and consuming all of their reserves just to maintain the pregnancy. 

 

And pregnant people are also dealing with the demands of work, family, finances, and relationships. Whew!

Life is made even more stressful for Black people. We have to contend with the stress of racism. 

When we walk into a prenatal appointment, there’s the additional strain of knowing the scary maternal health statistics. Of worrying your provider may not have your back. Of having to advocate for yourself when they don’t. 

Kim helped me see how this stress can lead to worse outcomes for Black birthing people. 

 

Kim Onile:  A lot of these moms are scared. They’ve been trained to believe birth is traumatic by the statistics that are promoted in society that Black women are more likely to die during childbirth. They walk into that OB room terrified. Their body is responding to the environment in panic. And when our bodies are stressed, we’re going into adrenaline cortisol overload, right? And our body perceives that environment as a war zone. So our body is running a marathon while fighting a war.

[MUSIC: Nigel Mullaney and Jonathan Jowett – Thought and Reason ends]

 

Kim’s clients often tell her that before midwifery care, they never felt like their medical providers listened to them. That no one cared enough to pay close attention. 

 

Kim Onile: And if the provider is not seeing them and attuned to them, how are they going to catch things? How are they going to prevent things?

 

KF: I love that word: “attuned”… It suggests something more than the routine checkups, or checking off boxes. 

Having a provider attuned to clients requires deep listening, and humility. Because clients know their own bodies, and their lives are anything but simple. 

 

Kim Onile: That is where the malfunction is. It’s not the woman’s body. It’s the external experience around her because when our bodies are left alone and our bodies are supported physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and all of that, our bodies work very well. They work very, very, very well. And I see that all the time.

 

So that’s the kind of support that Kim works to provide. Support that helps our bodies work as they are designed to.  

And that’s what WD was looking for. 

She’s the client from the top of the episode. 

She’s a first-generation Sudanese-American and a community health worker. 

Working at a hospital, she saw first-hand how stressful hospitals could make birth.  

[MUSIC: Paul Lawler – Abstract Understanding]

 

WD: I would see how the pregnant women were treated. …

WD: And it would be horrible because literally the doctors tell you to go knock on their door around 6:00 AM right after they give birth, or like 2:00 AM in the middle–you know? and  Man, they’re so tired. They’re still bleeding from the birth. The baby’s still there. The dad is sleeping in the couch. It wasn’t like a fun scene. 

 

KF: So when she got pregnant, WD decided she wanted an out-of-hospital birth. She started visiting birth centers in the area to get a better feel for her options. 

 

WD: the pictures on the wall– you know how they have pictures of babies and stuff? All White babies. Nurse staff, all White. And pictures that they’re showing on the slide to tell you, “Oh, yeah, this is what you need. This is insurance we accept. We don’t accept this  type, this, da, da, da, da, da.” White women, White babies.

 

I didn’t feel like I belonged if that makes– when you give birth, when I tell you, the most vulnerable, insecure parts of your body and everything is just out in the open. And I didn’t feel like I could have done that in that birthing center because no one looked like me there.

[MUSIC: Paul Lawler – Abstract Understanding ends]

 

KF: So, finding Kim Onile was a dream come true for WD. (Smile) 

[MUSIC: Paradise – Yestalgia]

 

WD: She literally pertained everything to me and my personality. So, of course, I’m a first-time mom. I had a million questions.

 

KF: WD says in their early meetings, Kim would sometimes give her the last appointment of the day. Just so they could have extra time to talk. And man, would Kim LISTEN.

 

WD: I’m talking about. I never seen her look at her watch or her phone.  And I know you don’t feel that a lot by your provider, but literally, I felt loved by her.

 

KF: It’s true, Kim has lots of love for her clients. But she also has her own young children at home to support. As she developed her practice, she had to figure out how to balance both. 

 

Kim Onile: I started out having a completely bleeding heart and just wanting to help everybody, like   — I was willing to self-sacrifice so that they could have what they needed. And there was one month where I had six births, which is a very busy month for me, and I did not have the money to pay rent. And I said, “How did I get here?

[MUSIC: Paradise – Yestalgia ends ]

 

KF: Kim figured that she needed to charge a flat fee. Five thousand dollars covers prenatal, labor, delivery, postpartum care, and a birth kit. 

For the families doing water birth, she also throws in a complimentary birth pool. The fee does not cover labs, ultrasounds, or physician visits, if  needed. But Kim has found ways to make her care affordable.

 

WD: But she’s so dope to the point where she literally would just break it out into payment systems.

 

As we know, community midwifery isn’t often covered by insurance.  So most of the families have to pay out-of-pocket. 

But, like all the other Black midwives we spoke to, Kim has a payment plan. If a client can’t pay in full, they can pay it off monthly.  At the end of the day, profit isn’t the reason Kim does this work. She does it for the love of Black families.

Speaking of love, let’s get back to WD’s home…there’s a baby about to be born!  

[MUSIC: Stems from Yege Yen – Omri Smadar]

 

WD: Mind you, it’s my first pregnancy, so I don’t really know what’s supposed to– I know because I read about it, but it’s different when you’re there.

 

KF: WD’s contractions had started. And they were painful. Then she felt a rush of liquid. 

 

WD: And I’m like, “Oh, my water broke.” And I called Kim. So Kim came, and she checked, and she said, “Girl–Your water didn’t break.”

 

KF: The liquid was actually pee (chuckle). Typically for homebirths, Kim shows up after the client’s water breaks. But Kim didn’t go home.

 

WD: So my actual water didn’t break until like nine hours later. And when I tell you Kim stayed in my house that whole time… // My mom gave her a blanket and a pillow, and she spent the night because I was in a 26-hour labor, and she spent the night. That meant so much to me. Like she stayed there throughout the whole laboring process. 

 

KF: WD never felt rushed. Even when she stayed dilated at 5 centimeters for a while. 

 

She thought about the hospital births she’s seen, and how differently they were handled.

 

WD: If you don’t get wider every hour or hour and a half, they’d be like, “Oh, something’s wrong with you. We need to do Pitocin to speed up the labor.” But Kim didn’t do that. She’s just like, “Walk around a little bit. Do this. Do that.” And it helped!

 

KF: So WD’s labor happened at her own pace, not anyone else’s. 

 

WD: Yes, the pain was unimaginable, but it wasn’t scary. She just made it welcoming and natural. 

 

Next to WD was her husband (pause) her rock. At earlier prenatal visits, Kim made sure he knew what to expect as her birth partner. 

She even showed him different pain management techniques that would come in handy when the contractions got worse.   

 

WD: He was there, dude. From the beginning to the end, from everything, my husband was there, and I couldn’t have done it without him. When Kim showed him the pressure points, he did those pressure points. When I was in the pool about to give birth, he was the one holding my legs back. He was there. He was giving me words of affirmation, telling me how strong I am, how he loves me.

 

KF: As the labor progressed, WD’s contractions felt like thunderbolts piercing her spine. But she told her husband that she would do this 1,000 more times with him.  

 

WD: Like that’s how much I love you. Because he did so much. He sacrificed so much. He literally was my anchor.

 

But let’s just say, the other men in the family weren’t as ready.

 

WD: My dad and brother, I never told them I was having a home birth because they’re scaredy cats! And I didn’t want that energy by me at all.

 

Her dad was supposed to be away during WD’s birth, but he unexpectedly came home early.

 

WD: He’s walking in and then my sister was like (gasp) “baba, I don’t think you should come in today.” And he said “Why?” And just on cue here I am screaming from a contraction. He said, “Why is she giving birth here! She needs to be in the hospital! Dadadada! To African parents the hospital is like the holy grail, that’s the thing where it’s all good! But they were proud once everything went well.

[MUSIC: Stems from Yege Yen – Omri Smadar end]

 

Kim wasn’t just looking out for WD. Like always, like the Black midwives before her — Kim’s eyes were on the whole family. 

[MUSIC: Yotam Agam – The Faun]

 

WD: my mom, while I was giving labor, she was making a lot of prayer. She was doing a lot of prayer, just talking to herself, doing prayer like, “Oh, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.”

 

Kim noticed WD’s mom whispering to herself, and she wasn’t sure if she was doing okay.

When a family member cleared up that she was praying, Kim rolled with it. 

 

WD: She just adapted to the culture. She adapted to the culture of my house. // I wanted to be modest throughout my birthing, so she didn’t make me have to wear anything that was revealing. 

 

Kim made sure WD was comfortable at every step. 

 

WD: She respected my culture and my body. While I was giving birth, I had spiritual scriptures playing. She ain’t never say, “Turn it off, lower the volume,” none of that. In our religion, once the baby is born, the call of prayer is supposed to be said in their ear. She let that happen. She didn’t say, “Wait, let me just do this first.” She just let it happen.

[SFX: Audio of birth prayer, baby crying] 

 

WD: So my pretty baby, she was born on November 7.

WD: The first hands that my– the first hands and voice  that my baby is with is with Black women. It’s not a white doctor with a whole bunch of white students with clipboards. A Black woman literally brought her into the world and has taken her out of me and putting her on my chest. 

[MUSIC: Yotam Agam – The Faun ends]

 

That support from Kim through her pregnancy and birth meant a lot to WD. It also meant a lot to her mom. 

[MUSIC: Violet Untold – Tamuz Dekel]

 

WD’s mother had painful memories of her first birth, in Sudan. Her son passed away during childbirth and her doctor blamed her body for his death.

She was worried that the same thing would happen to WD. That she would lose her baby, that she would be traumatized in the process. 

 

WD: But she saw how I was able to give birth, and she saw how my husband and Kim supported me. She saw the different techniques that Kim did. And that healed her trauma. My daughter overcame this.

 

This birth is a victory for WD, her mother, and her beautiful baby girl. [Pause] As I reflect on WD’s birth, I can’t help but see parallels between her family and my own. 

My mother gave birth to my sister –  her first child – through a C-section. And like WD’s mom, it was a difficult birth and her doctors blamed her body for that difficulty. After that hospital experience, my mom was afraid of childbirth. She never really shook that fear even after having three children. 

When she learned that I was pregnant with my daughter, her first response was, “you fraid Kay?” And I was. I took on her fear, and I carried that stress with me through my pregnancy. 

But that’s where the parallels between my story and WD’s end. 

Because WD and her family had someone to take that stress off their shoulders. Someone who was medically trained to keep her and her baby safe. 

Someone who was divinely led, rooted in deep care, and committed to her health and her dignity. 

And that someone was Kim Onile, the Black community midwife who changed WD’s entire life.   

[MUSIC: Violet Untold – Tamuz Dekel fades out]

  

WD: Recently I applied for a job, and they were like, “What’s your biggest accomplishment?” And I’m sure they wanted me to say, “Oh, getting my bachelor’s degree, da, da, da, da, da.” But my biggest accomplishment was being able to give birth at home unmedicated with my own willpower, with my own strength from my body, creating a human because it’s that big of a deal. It really is. And in the United States, I feel like they just treat women who give birth just like, “Eh, okay, I guess you gave birth.” But no, dude, I created an endocrine system. I created a brain, lungs, eyes in my womb, and I pushed that out on my terms.

[MUSIC: Show ID gentle theme]

 

I feel powerful. Like, I’m a human. I’m a woman

 

Our next episode is about life after birth.

And how Black community midwives are showing up for families in their postpartum. The fourth and forever trimester.

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